So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
