Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
