Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
