So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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