im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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