Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
