She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
