Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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