I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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