Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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