You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
