some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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