It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
