Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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