This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
