Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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