Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
