i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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