wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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