SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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