so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
