mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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