I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
