there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
