You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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