you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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