My Higher Power is John Stamos
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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