He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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