Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
