how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
