You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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