If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
