If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
