Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
