dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
