I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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