So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
