You really coming over, don't trick.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
