Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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