I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
