how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
