i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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