apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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