k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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