Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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