I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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