If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
