I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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