My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
