She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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