Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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