I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
