Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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