I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
