i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
