Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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