I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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